The Journey Continues

Some of you reading this may know me personally and some of you may not.  For those that know me, you most likely know that one of the things I have struggled with the most in my life is my weight.  I remember getting a physical in 8th grade because I wanted to try out for the volleyball team and being told that I weighed 270lbs.  I am only 5 foot 1 so this was not a good weight for a 15 year old.

And I am pretty sure that is when my desire to be thin started.  I dieted.  I binged.  Yes, I purged.  It was awful.  I was willing to do anything to fit in.  To look normal.  But it came with a cost.  I messed my body up so bad.  That entire time in my life was awful.

Then I found the love of my life, got married, and had babies.  The highest weight that I have ever seen on the scale is 310.  I seemed to be okay with it though.  I was healthy other than being obese.  Then my mother died.  And she died from years of not taking care of her body.  Years of not eating anything healthy.  Years of drinking more soda than water.  Years of smoking.

She passed away in 2012 and 2013 was the year that I decided I was going to change my life.  And I did.  I went from weighing somewhere over 310 lbs to weighing 128.  I learned that I love running.  I learned that I loved Zumba.  However, even though I was active, I was not treating my body much better than I did back in 8th grade.  I would deprive myself of entire food groups for long period of times, so that when I would eat them I would binge and then feel awful.  I spent an entire month where I literally did not chew food.  I juiced.  Every single meal.  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for one full month.  How did I feel?  Great for like the first week.  Then I was exhausted, felt run down, and I believe it was my neighbor that said "you kind of just looked like you always wanted to hurt somebody."

But I was so proud of myself, because...well, the pictures showed a great transformation.  I did this.  I accomplished something on my own.
And I was so proud.  But I should not have been.  Not of my eating habits anyway.  But I am proud of the number of races I completed.  


It took me too long to realize that I was not doing good things to my body.  So where am I now?  I am trying to figure out a new relationship with food.  I am still trying to change my mindset.  Bread, rice, and pasta are not bad.  They are not evil.  I just have to watch the amount of them that I eat.  I need to focus on quantities of things that may not be the healthiest, but allowing myself to still have it.  

I'm not exactly sure I am completely there yet.  Getting out of the diet mindset takes a long time I have learned.  I have always been very upfront with my weight.  After gaining back some of the weight that I lost, I was pretty ashamed to tell people how much exactly I had gained back.  But it happened.  And I gained because I refuse to beat my body up in the ways that I have in the past.  My current weight is 230.  I will celebrate again when I reach the 100lb weight loss milestone, but I will reach it in a healthy way.  

This is me.  I refuse to continue trying to fit into some kind of box of what size society believes I should be.  I am focusing on me.  I have made several changes in my life that are beneficial to my health, but I will no longer do something that is ultimately harmful just to reach a goal. 

I hope to get back into running, though the weather and a knee injury seem to put that on hold.  I am loving Zumba and pound.  I have also found a new love for Yoga.  

I share all of this to say one thing: Love your body.  Take care of it.  God only gives us one body and it is so much easier to take care of it than it is to repair it.  You are beautiful no matter what size you are.  Because that is who God created you to be.  


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