#becauseofyou

A few days ago I was watching something on the Hallmark channel and a commercial came on that really made me think.  The commercial was for the website Because of You. This is what the first few lines on their website state "Everything you say and do has an impact on those around you. Because of you, people can feel empowered and loved, but also insecure and hurt. Even the smallest words and actions, whether online or in person, can have a big effect. Before you say or do something, think about how you might make others feel."

As I was watching this commercial there were people sharing stories that were both positive and negative.  But it got me thinking of all of the people that have had an impact on my life.  There are so many.  Too many to list.  But there are also some that really stand out as making me who I am today.  For good or bad.  Ever since I saw this commercial I have been thinking about all of these people.  Many of which I have never taken the time to say "thank you" or shared with them how much I truly appreciated the impact they had on my life.  There are also those that caused me pain that I have only spoken about to a select few people.  But I have not been able to shake this commercial or the self-reflection that has come with seeing it.  

Every single thing we say or do matters.  It has an impact on those around us.  Our words, our actions, our laughter, and our tears all leave an impact on those we come into contact with.  I want to share some of my story.  I want to share some of the stories of those that I can say "because of you, I am who I am today". 

Some of this will be new information about my life for even close family and friends.  Please do not be mad that I have not shared these stories.  

CONTENT WARNING: Sexual abuse, suicide

The commercial stated"Because of you, someone's entire day can change.  Because of you, someone's entire life can change."  I want to share how this has been true in my life. 

Dear Junior High PE teacher, I know you thought it was a fun game.  So did everyone else.  Let's pair up the fattest girl and boy in class and put them in a race against each other.  And no everyone else was not racing.  This was just a "fun" little idea you came up with for Sam and I.  We raced.  One side of the gym to the other.  It was maybe even more awful than it sounds.  Do you remember what the rest of the class was doing while we were racing?  I do.  They were watching and laughing.  I lost.  I was crushed.  And when another student told me later in the hallway that he couldn't believe I had lost to someone that was bigger than me and was only bigger than me because of a medical condition, I was shattered.  After this PE held no excitement for me.  Moving my body in healthy ways was no longer even remotely fun.

Junior High PE teacher I want you to know that because of you, for a very long time I had an unhealthy relationship with any kind of exercise.  Because of you, I did not feel good enough.  Because of you, I felt worthless.

Dear T, I remember one day at work sharing with you that I wanted something different in life.  I did not want to need alcohol to function.  You said that as a friend you would be supportive.  Exactly a week later you invited me to your house.  You made it sound like it was just going to be us.  You did not tell me that it was a party.  You did not tell me that the alcohol would be flowing freely.  So I went.  Then you offered me a drink.  I was weak and I accepted.  But, I was so hurt because I thought I could trust you.  

T, I want you to know that because of you, I struggle to trust anyone.  Because of you, I felt like there was no one to help with the problems I was going through.  Because of you, I felt alone. 

Dear G, I met you at that same party.  Do you remember how we met?  I was playing cards and you walked over and sat on my lap.  It was very strange and I found myself immediately uncomfortable.  You started talking and asked me to come to the kitchen with you.  I did not go.  Not right away.  Because my radar was going off.  But the others around the table (T included) encouraged it.  "G is so nice."  "He just wants to make you a drink."  So of course, I went.  And you made me a drink.  And another.  And then you kissed me.  I pulled back.  I tried to pull away.  Your hand was on my back and you wouldn't let me.  You pulled me outside.  No one could hear me.  Or maybe they chose not to hear me because "G is so nice".  You took advantage of me.  You took over my body as if you somehow had ownership of it.  I said no, but you did not listen.  I remember feeling dirty and like I was responsible.  But, what felt worse than that at the time, was the amount of time I had to sit and wait for someone to pick me up.  In that time I told 3 people what happened.  3. THREE SEPERATE PEOPLE.  And not one of them believed me.  Not one. Someone even said "if you hadn't drank so much it wouldn't have happened."  G, you know this, but I never reported you, because if people I knew blamed me or just simply didn't believe me, why would the authorities.

G, because of you I felt guilt.  Because of you, I stayed in my room for over a month with the exception of work and school out of fear that someone else would do the same thing.  Because of you, I had never felt more broken. Because of you, I still have regrets for not reporting you. Because of you I was afraid. 

Dear L, I thought you were so cute.  I was so surprised when you wanted me to hang out with you.  You were so much older than me.  I was even more surprised when you acted like we were in a relationship.  A relationship with only one goal, in your mind. You made me feel like I was too young or inexperienced to be able to make decisions for myself.  You beat me down.  You literally told me that I was not good enough and that I would not amount to anything without you.  

L, because of you, I felt like a child long after I was an adult.  Because of you, I always second guess myself because surely I need someone else to make decisions for me.  Because of you I couldn't even trust myself. 

Dear Chrissie, you were always there.  I didn't always tell you what was going on in my life.  Maybe you knew, maybe you didn't.  But I never had to say anything or explain anything because you were there no matter what.  You were my safe haven in a lot of ways.  I am not sure that I have ever thanked you, so when I say thank you now it also comes with an apology for not coming sooner.  I would come to you after or during the darkest moments of my life, and no matter what you were there. 

Chrissie, because of you, I knew I was never alone.  Because of you, I had the strength to go on. 

Dear Reilmann and Merseal families, there were a lot of rocky times in my house growing up and I always knew that I was welcome at either of yours.  No questions asked, but always giving me the space to cry and be angry and share what was going on.  You both literally opened your doors to me many times.  I am grateful for your acceptance. 

Reilmanns and Merseals, because of you, I learned that all families are different.  Because of you, I learned what a family could and should look like.  Because of you, I had a place to sleep many times when I could not stay at home.  Because of you, I felt welcomed.

Dear Duane and Mindy, you were the first 2 pastors I had met after being told I was going to hell by a Baptist minister.  I was skeptical of all this religion stuff.  But, you both challenged me.  You encouraged me to question my faith and prayed with me to realize that God is different than the church.  My faith had been placed in a church and a pastor previously and I learned from both of you that my faith should not be dependent on the church, but God.  I also learned that churches can also be really important places of acceptance and grace and love.  You both helped to create that environment.  Because of you both I felt supported when I answered the call to ministry (even though Duane told me if there was anything else I could do I should do that because "Ministry is so hard").  

Duane and Mindy Because of you both and the encouragement and support I am the first in my family to get a bachelors or a masters degree.  Because of you, I found grace, and love, and forgiveness, and acceptance.  Because of you, I found my way back to God. 

Dear Mrs. Gipson, how can a home ec teacher have such an impact on a student? I still can't sew all that well and my cooking skills are seriously lacking.  I did learn a lot in your parenting class, but none of that is why you have left a lasting impact on me.  You always had an open door for me to come and vent to you.  I could tell you about the abuse I was dealing with.  I could tell you about my frustrations and hopes and dreams.  I could tell you anything.  And never once did I feel judged.  I have never thanked you and I wish I would have.  I remember telling you one day that I didn't think I wanted to live anymore.  Life was just too much and I couldn't deal with it anymore.  You convinced me that I was strong.  You had me check in with you everyday.  I took every home ec class I could.  

Mrs. Gipson you may not know this, but because of you I am alive.  Because of you I am here.  Because of you I know that I matter

Dear Jerry, you did not know what you were getting yourself into when we started dating.  You did not know how broken I was.  But you chose to love me through it.  You walked and continue to walk the journey towards healing.  You have been with me every step of the way.  When I would come home from counseling so exhausted from talking about any of this, you would someone know what I needed and offer that.  There were days that I needed space and you offered that.  There were days that I just needed you and you offered that.  Our relationship may not always be perfect, but none are.  I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Jerry because of you I know what it feels like to really be loved.  Because of you I know what it feels like to be respected and appreciated.  Because of you I was able to find and work towards healing.  

These are just a few of the people that have left lasting impacts on my life.  I share all of this for a few reasons.  First, I am working on self care and coming to terms with how my past has at time prevented me from taking care of myself.  And second to show that our actions matter.  Our actions have the ability to change someone's entire day, but also their life.  I pray that we all realize how important our actions are.

Because of you someone can have a good day or a bad day.  I hope we can all live in a way that more people can say "Because of you, I am strong."